Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). As a younger man, I tried to reconcile those words with my personality. I tended to be more withdrawn in public and was not known to easily cry. It was one thing for Paul to command entering into someone’s joy, but to join with sorrow through physical tears? I wasn’t even sure that was possible.

Some of this would change with time as the experience of suffering awakened in me a deeper awareness of this world’s brokenness. With that awareness has come tears. Still, it is an important concern of mine to find ways to appropriately come alongside someone who is grieving. Even if Paul’s directive does not require actual tears, certainly we are expected to move towards fellow Christians in a way that identifies with their sorrow and displays genuine love (cf. Romans 12:9).

One way we can do this is to prioritize attending the funerals of church members. [1]

A Change in Priorities

I learned this conviction from my father-in-law who was my pastor in Rhode Island for two years. Early in my membership at his church, the opportunity came to attend the funeral of another church member. As I considered whether I should go, I was surprised to encounter the strong expectation of my father-in-law that I would attend. I did not know the deceased, and her family likely did not expect me to be there. Yet this godly pastor taught me by example and explanation something I would not fully understand until later.

His explanation was that part of a church covenanting together is that members are there for one another at crucial points in each other’s lives. For me, this funeral had taken a low priority since it seemed unrelated to my personal close relationships; for him, funerals in general were a high priority due to the beauty and responsibilities of Christian belonging in community.

A few years later, his high priority became my own through personal experience. On September 14, 2021 my wife lay in the hospital ready to give birth after nine months of a healthy pregnancy with twins. My daughter Caroline was born to our great joy with no complications, but her brother Judah died during birth. Holding my lifeless child, who only minutes before I had expected to welcome joyfully into this world, has been by far the most grievous and sorrowful experience up to this point in my life. I wept, and I questioned, and I felt like a completely different person than the man who had walked into the delivery room. In the middle of this grief was a funeral. We called it a service of lament, held at our current church in Massachusetts.
At the beginning of the service, I walked up to the podium to deliver an opening address to those in attendance. When I turned to face the crowd, what I saw has remained to me one of the most powerful and encouraging testaments to Christian love. In addition to immediate family and close friends, I saw two loving and supportive churches looking back at me. Our churches from both Rhode Island and Massachusetts had gathered to weep with us, and their presence meant the world. Truly, these brothers and sisters were our family, and they showed it simply by being there. I don’t know that I will ever be able to fully express the comfort this provided my soul and the strength it was to my faith.

The Opportunity of Funerals

Considering this background, I urge both pastors and church members to put a high priority on attending the funerals of church members. Here are some reasons why:

1. Funerals are a natural opportunity for silent support and solidarity

Sincere Christians who desperately desire to be comforters to their grieving friends frequently struggle with what to say. In the immediate aftermath of deep anguish, the wise response is often to say nothing at all. John Piper remarks that the “golden moment” for Job’s friends, who turned out to be miserable comforters (cf. Job 16:1; 42:7), was when “they didn’t say anything”![2]

There is a place for words of hope and even exhortation as suffering comes with its own temptations. However, it takes a wise person to know when and how to move into such an interaction. Many times, your task may simply be to offer a few comforting words and then retreat into silent and prayerful solidarity through your presence. Funerals require little more than this, and your presence itself will be a blessing.

2. Funerals can be a foundation for trust and future discipleship

When you walk alongside others during the momentous events of their lives, it communicates your care and concern. Great joy and deep grief should be experienced together, and relationships of trust are strengthened through these experiences. The resulting relationships can then become the seed bed for bearing burdens (Galatians 6:1-5), stirring up to love and good works (Hebrews 10:24), and displaying a sincere “brotherly affection” (Romans 12:9-10).

This can happen in formal and informal ways. Frank, a dear brother at Grace Bible Church disciples me every time I visit that congregation when he comes up to greet me with a big hug. He has always done that. But now I picture his face at my son’s funeral, and that embrace communicates beyond mere words. I trust his sincerity, receive his comfort gratefully, and long to imitate his example for the comfort of someone else.

3. Funerals build habits of godly sympathy and empathy

This gets at the heart of how I opened this article. You may be relatively unemotional. “Weeping with those who weep” may seem like a distant and unachievable command. However, it is difficult not to be moved by the death of a Christian as you reflect and hear testimony to God’s work in his or her life.

The Preacher states, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance…” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4). Funerals are an appropriate time to weep and to intentionally enter each other’s sadness. Perhaps the difficulty we have with doing so is because of a low priority we put on being present at the most concentrated times of expressions of sadness in our fellow believers’ lives.

4. Funerals can be powerful examples of godly grief

This shifts the focus from how you can comfort to what you can learn. Listening to other faithful Christians grieve strengthens my own faith, hope, and resolve. A brother or sister in Christ who publicly acknowledges their sorrow through a eulogy or testimony while at the same time maintaining trust in God is extremely moving.
Once again, the Preacher says, “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart” (Ecclesiastes 7:2). Death itself has the effect of making us think about our own lives and how we steward the time that we have. The same can be said about the example of those who choose to press on in their faith, even though their circumstances are trying and tragic.

The End of the Matter

Your presence by someone’s side during sorrow is a gift you give to strengthen and support. It communicates that you see your brother and genuinely care. It shows that even if you cannot fully understand your sister’s pain, you are there for her. This gift is powerful, and it simply requires that we take the time and reprioritize.

Our absence or presence during such an impactful time as a funeral is potentially heightened by the close-knit nature of small communities. We have the opportunity in small-town churches to have a culture of weeping with those who weep that is displayed by entire congregations who adopt a similar priority. Therefore, let us consider others in their sorrow by putting a high priority on attending the funerals of church members.

[1] In this article I have emphasized the value of attending Christian funerals, particularly those of fellow church members. I also see great value in attending the funerals of those outside of our local churches, including unbelievers. These funerals are great ministry opportunities in small town contexts.

[2] John Piper, Job: When the Righteous Suffer, Part 1. https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/job-when-the-righteous-suffer-part-1. See Job 2:11-13.

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